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Naomi Campbell - Inner Beauty Exclusive!
This Weekend! Funk Apocalypse Special!
Sophie Ellis Bextor Naked Confidential!
Call Centre Worker Sacked For Having Weekend Plans
"I Feel So Horny" Kylie Tells Crime Bosses
Grandson Wants To Be Just Like Grandad
"Sony Haven't Sold My Soul", complains King Michael of Pop
Spanish President Apologises For British Tory Leader Snub
"Pop Music Could Save Planet." M.I.T. Economist Exclusive
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Kylie Minogue Describes Her Perfect Man
Nelly Furtado Tells Wu Tang Clan: "Come & Get Your Pansy Asses Stomped."
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"The Pope is a terrorist."
"To support ETA is to support terrorism. To support Batasuna is to support ETA. For Basque Country priests not to condemn Batasuna is for them to support terrorism. For the Pope not to excommunicate those priests is for him to support Batasuna and ETA. The Pope is therefore a terrorist."

This Weekend! José María Aznar talks exclusively to Squeal, NewsPig about Logic, Democracy, and how much simpler things were under General Franco.

Nigella In Love! Exclusive!
"There's so much that's so wonderful about him: he brings so much laughter into my life. He lets my daughter bounce all over him, and he knows some wonderful Jewish jokes.

After making love with him, what I most enjoy is cooking for him. Egg and chips and sausage and chips are his favourites, but he simply adores my filet mignon aux reins sautés, en croûte, avec pommes frites - although I have to call it 'steak and kidney pie and chips' or he hits me. He's perfect...."

This Weekend! Kitchen Goddess Nigella Lawson talks exclusively to Squeal, NewsPig about happiness, the joy of cooking, and living with her new love, comedian Bernard Manning.

Patrick O'Brien Film Special!
"You often hear Patrick O' Brien fans saying that there is no comparable friendship in English literature to that of Aubrey's and Maturin's. One looks for comparisons... Holmes and Watson; Jeeves and Bertie; Frodo and Sam; Morse and, erm, Thingy... but Aubrey and Maturin's relationship has only one analogy, I think: Kirk and Spock...."

This Weekend! L.A.'s top casting expert, Carol Witherspoon, talks exclusively to Squeal, NewsPig about the magic of Patrick O' Brien's novels, and Hollywood's casting Shatner and Nimmoy as Aubrey and Maturin.

Archbishop of New York Exclusive!
"You know, when people come to believe that nothing means anything anymore, ambivalence, ambiguity - and even complete horseshit - can look terribly profound...."

This Weekend! The Roman Catholic Archbishop of New York talks exclusively to Squeal, NewsPig about faith, uncertainty and the enduring popularity of Nostradamus.
Motoring Special!
"What pisses me off most when I'm driving? 'Baby On Board' stickers. I mean, do people really think that if they don't put a sticker on their car announcing that they've got a baby, I'm going to ram them off the road? Why don't they just stick a sign on the car saying what they really mean? - "Hey, look at me! I'm really special: I've got a baby."
'John'

This Weekend! British motorists talk exclusively to Squeal, NewsPig about freedom, road rage, and sitting in gridlock bitching about all the other cars.

Spin Special!
"... and so I said to him, "Relax. So there'll be a few more blood-splashes on it. What the hell. I'll just throw it in the media machine, give it a wash and a spin. It'll come out so clean you could go to church on a Sunday in it... or wipe your ass on it - anything you want, Mr President - it's your flag - do whatever you want with it.""

This Weekend! Washington Spin-Djinn Edgar T. Winterherne talks exclusively to Squeal, NewsPig about golf, government, grandfatherhood and his hopes for World War 3.

Spin Special II !
"'Cool Britannia'? Yes, well, as slogans go, that was a very successful re-branding of the previously drab Labour Party image, I'd say. Worth millions of votes. As for the slogan for the next election, We felt it best to stay with tried-and-tested formulas. So we'll be going with 'Fool Britannia', which neatly summarises this government's most obvious achievement and the main thrust of its ideology...."

This Weekend! New Labour backroom brains talk exclusively to Squeal, NewsPig about the State of the Party and the One-Party State.

Alastair Cook Exclusive!
"In America, if you try, and fail, people call you a trier; whereas in Britain they call you a failure. And in America, if you succeed, they call you a success; whereas in Britain, if you succeed, they call you a very rude word."

This Weekend! The BBC's veteran America Correspondent Alastair Cook talks exclusively to Squeal, NewsPig about Def Leppard, Sheena Easton, Lee Evans, and other Anglo-American Ironies.
   
 
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agony aunt
On the couch with the good dr. dre.
Gotta problem muthafucka ?
Tell dr.dre. Or he'll fuck you tha fuck up.

horoscopes
Virgo
Friends are important. Love is strong. Your lucky soup: minestrone.

coming soon
Shakira fails Convent Entrance Exam for eighth time.
Plus!
Cheeky altar boy whispers to priest, mid-Mass: "I'm naked underneath my cassock, Father."
Plus!
Oasis fan names breast-implants after Gallagher brothers! Giggling groupie tells photographers: "Liam's the tit on the left. And Noel's the tit on the right."
Plus!
"Posing naked, I felt empowered," Bernard Manning tells "Hello!" magazine.
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Bernard Manning nude pix 'too saucy' for Sun, says Murdoch; sells to Richard Desmond.
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Ha! Search Engine Stumped! No matches found for 'Why don't you go piss up a rope, Jeeves?'

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